


i saw you shine

by dollylux



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Depression, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-21
Updated: 2016-12-21
Packaged: 2018-09-10 22:43:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8942386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dollylux/pseuds/dollylux
Summary: Jared gets a glimpse into Jensen's new life.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [marrieddorks](https://archiveofourown.org/users/marrieddorks/gifts).



> day six of 12 days of xmas. prompt: 'the district sleeps alone tonight' by the postal service.
> 
> (title from 'deep slow panic' by afi.)
> 
> for kirsten<3

Penny realizes where they are about a block from Jensen’s apartment.

She starts to yip and scuffle around excitedly, turning to look up at Jared with big wags of her fluffy little tail and a pink tongue lolling out of the side of her mouth.

“I know you like him better,” Jared tells her as they walk carefully on the icy sidewalk. “You don’t have to rub it in.”

Two months ago when they’d broken up, they had decided to be mature about it. Spent time together in the apartment after, excruciating hours upon hours of dividing up their shared life into fair, mostly equal piles.

Jared got their Pearl Jam bootleg collection, Jensen got the really nice leather recliner, and they both got Penny. Two weeks with one, two weeks with the other. It’s worked out so far, hasn’t been too much of a pain in the ass, except now Jensen has moved into his new place, and Jared had to meet with the doorman and get a visitor pass to be allowed into the building.

Jensen’s new place has a _doorman._

It’s decorated outside, all wreaths and tasteful, warm lights along the windows that each have an electric candle flickering in the perfect center. The private parking garage is full of Audis and BMWs and Mercedes, and Jared is glad he didn’t drive his Corolla over for the valet to park.

There’s a _valet._

He holds up his pass for the doorman and gives him an awkward smile as the man holds the door open into the honey-glow lobby that has a Christmas tree taller than Jared’s entire apartment. 

He stops walking to stare, and Penny keeps going, trotting along until her leash runs out. Jared glances down and catches her annoyed, blank expression, and he tries to glare at her even as he acknowledges how cute it is that their dog has _expressions_.

It’s impossible not to still think of her that way. As theirs.

The elevator is crowded with people dressed in absurdly nice clothes holding champagne glasses, all of them talking to each other and giggling in a way that lets Jared know they’ve been drinking awhile, and that maybe he should pick Penny up before she’s stepped on by Louboutins.

Jensen’s in 626, and Jared’s surprised to see that the door is already open. In fact, there are several doors already open, and people are milling in and out of them and in the hallway, some wearing glittery reindeer antlers and what look somehow like designer Santa hats.

He knocks on the open door to Jensen’s place, waiting for a few seconds to make sure no one heard him over Mariah Carey Christmas music before he just goes inside.

The apartment is furnished and decorated with things he’s never seen before, everything black and dark wood and minimalistic, and the only reason he knows it’s Jensen’s place is from the picture sitting on the end table of him with Mac and Josh from last Christmas in Aspen. 

Jared had taken that picture.

“Excuse me,” he says to a woman who seems nice enough, who is picking at the chocolate-covered strawberries until she hears Jared’s voice, and then she’s dropping a strawberry like she was about to steal it and spinning around to stare at him, wide-eyed. “Do you know where Jensen is?”

She blinks at him, her eyelashes so long they can’t be real.

“Who?” she asks.

He barely manages a smile before he’s turning away and wading deeper into the apartment, clutching Penny against his chest and petting her as he searches a sea of strangers for the most familiar face in the world.

“Black tie only,” comes a voice from behind him, and Jared turns to see Jensen wearing a shit-eating grin that he has aimed right at Jared like a weapon.

Jared scoffs, a smile pulling at his own mouth as he looks him over, can’t help it, loving the way the cream-colored cable-knit sweater hugs his broad shoulders, his nipped in waist.

“Is your black tie under the big gay sweater?” Jared teases, holding out Penny for Jensen to take, which he does with a kind of joy most people only reserve for babies that they’re related to.

“Daddy’s missed you so much yes he has! Yes he has! Has Papa been good to you? Hmm? Did he make sure you got lots of foods to eat? Hmm?” Jensen lets Penny lick all over his face as he coos at her, and Jared stuffs his hands in his pockets, takes a deep breath, and just watches, his heart thudding dully in his chest.

“We had banana pancakes this morning for breakfast,” Jared tells him, stepping in and rubbing along the back of Penny’s neck, scritching behind her ears, their fingers coming into the briefest contact before they both shy away. “He still sleeps on your side of the bed. Right on your pillow.”

“It’s not my pillow anymore, Jay,” Jensen says softly, keeping his eyes down and on Penny, allowing Jared the time to hide his pain, to school away into something that says he’s fine, doing just fine, thank you.

“Jen, what the fuck is this music? Why are you listening to Mariah Carey? Was it in the lease for this castle or what?” Jared laughs, maybe too big, too loud, but his chest feels tight and he’s gotta change the subject before he blurts out something he can’t, shouldn’t.

“Oh, it’s a Spotify playlist. Holiday Party or something, I dunno.” Jensen laughs, his cheeks heating up as he glances back at the Bose speakers mounted on the wall across the room. “I’m regretting it now. NSYNC was on earlier.”

Jared smirks.

“You love NSYNC,” he says, reaching out to tug on the hem of Jensen’s sweater with a grin.

“See this is why I don’t invite you to my parties! You know all my dirty secrets.” Jensen’s grin is brighter than the tree in the lobby, and when his words sink in for both of them they move in closer, smiles dropping to something quieter, more intimate. Remembering.

“Yeah, well,” Jared finally says, still low, not wanting to break the spell yet, not completely. “I’m leaving anyway. Didn’t mean to crash. Just wanted to make sure she was home before you head off to your mom’s tomorrow.”

“Mac had her baby,” Jensen replies after a gentle clearing of his throat, finally looking up into Jared’s eyes again. “A whopper, too. Ten pounds! His name is Asher.”

He doesn’t tell Jensen that he saw on Facebook, that he’s still friends with every single member of the Ackles family, that he still considers them his own family as much as any Padalecki, that the only person he doesn’t follow anymore is Jensen.

It hurts too much to see him now. To be reminded that he’s thriving, that he’s happy now, free of his burden of Jared and all his issues. That he finally escaped and can do what he wants. Which apparently involves valet parking.

“Tell her congratulations from me,” he says instead, the last of his smile dropping away as he takes a step back, nodding at the door. “I’ll get out of your hair now. Change the playlist. Give your mama a kiss from me.”

“You don’t have to go,” Jensen says, too fast, his eyes bigger than normal as he takes a few steps toward Jared, making up the distance. “Hang out. There’s an open bar over near the balcony. Lots of food. It’s a floor party, so. I don’t really know most of these people either.”

“Christmas Time” by the Backstreet Boys starts up, and Jared barely opens his mouth before Jensen interrupts.

“I’m going, I’m going!”

Jensen disappears with Penny and Jared turns toward the crowd of people again, feeling pathetically underdressed in his black leather jacket and beanie, and he makes his way over to the bar and orders a double shot of whiskey even though he shouldn’t, knows he shouldn’t, not until he knows how this new medication is going to pan out.

But being here, in Jensen’s new home, surrounded by all the new people in his life, is enough to have him asking for another. And then another.

He’s pretty well buzzed by the time he makes it out onto the balcony where it’s freezing and crowded but at least there’s fresh air against his now-hot cheeks, stabilizing him where the whiskey’s made him falter, made everything swim and sway around him.

Jensen is inside and across the room, talking to a tall man in a bespoke suit who keeps crowding in closer until Jensen is all but pressed up against the wall, smiling up at the guy with a half-empty Manhattan in his hand, the two cherries dancing along the bottom of the glass.

Jensen always saves the cherries for last.

Jared looks away, can’t watch anymore, can’t stand to watch Jensen flirt with a man who will probably be his future ex-husband, who makes more in a year than Jared will probably make in a lifetime, who has his shit together in ways that Jared will never even understand.

Someone who is actually what Jensen deserves.

He jostles people a little as he pushes his way through the crowd and back into the warm apartment, everything suddenly just too much; too many colors, too many textures, too many blinding, white smiles, to much music and the smell of three hundred dollar cologne and too much of Jensen’s eyes on that man and Jared can’t leave fast enough.

He can’t catch his breath until he’s in the elevator with the door closed, thankfully alone this time.

He presses his forehead against the cool steel of the door and closes his eyes, taking ten-second deep breaths and letting them out slowly, hating the way whiskey has made tears burn at the back of his eyes and made him realize how quiet his apartment is now without Jensen or Penny there, without their little family.

Depression has all but destroyed him, has driven all the best things out of his life, all the best people. Jensen had been the last to go, but Jared had understood his departure most of all.

It’s hard to love someone who makes you hate yourself. But Jensen had tried for years, tried to push through it, to help Jared when no one else would. But he’s gone now, finally free. Finally with a chance for happiness.

Jared doesn’t want to take it away from him, no matter how much it hurts. At least one of them should be happy, in the end.

He stuffs his hands in his pockets and lowers his head against the bitter wind as he leaves the lobby and starts back down the street, grateful for the half-hour walk separating him from his empty apartment. He thinks about the text from his mom this morning, begging him to come home for Christmas. Thinks about the unopened cards from friends and family addressed to Jared and Jensen and it forces him to remember that he still hasn’t really told anyone about it. That they’re not together anymore. Not even his own mother.

Being without Jensen is worse than missing a limb. It’s like the absence of his entire body, of the thing that connects him to the earth and keeps him from just drifting away, lost on a cold night with no one to witness his last moment.

He thinks about it often. Wonders when it’ll happen. When he’ll be brave enough or low enough. He wonders now, as he shuffles frozen and hollow down the festively-lit sidewalks, if it’ll be tonight.

“Jay!”

The word is so familiar, the tone so ingrained in him that he barely notices it, barely reacts. It’s the heavy fall of boots racing up behind him that pull him out of his thoughts and back to the bitterly cold night. Back to where Jensen is rushing up behind him in just his sweater with Penny bundled up in her blue jacket in his arms.

He’s flush-faced and pale, his eyes so lit-up green that Jared can’t do anything but stare when Jensen finally comes to a stop in front of him, out of breath and huffing white plumes of air that smell like liquor.

“Why’d you leave so soon?” Jensen asks after a moment of heavy breathing, his pink mouth shining when he licks his lips.

Jared looks away, his broad shoulders scrunching up almost childishly as he shrugs and then tries to abort the motion when he realizes. He bets no one in that entire apartment building still shrugs.

“Just… felt kinda lost, I guess,” he says, the truth leaking in around the edges. Goddamn whiskey.

Jensen watches him and Jared lets him, doesn’t know what else to do or say, just waits miserably for Jensen to end the conversation and go back inside to his party, his new life. Even Penny seems to prefer it to their tiny little apartment.

“Are you doin’ okay?” Jensen takes a step in closer, Penny within arms-reach and so Jared takes her, holds her warm, solid body against his chest and buries his face in her fur that smells like Jensen, like home. He doesn’t have it in him to lie.

“What are you doing out here, Jen?” Jared asks, his voice raw, the words trembling. He blinks away the tears that try to surface, hugging Penny almost too tight. “Just go back inside. It’s too cold for you to be out here.”

“I’m just… I’m worried about you. Sherri texted me this morning and asked how you were doing. Said you weren’t returning any of her texts or calls. And when I told her we had broken up, she--”

“It’s not your problem anymore,” Jared interrupts, panic pushing up tight in his throat. He hands Penny back and shoves his hands in his pockets again, taking a step back from Jensen. “Look, I’m sorry she contacted you. I’ll tell her to stop. Just… just go back inside. Please. Just go--”

“I miss you,” Jensen says softly, nearly whispered. Jared closes his eyes, helpless to stop the tears that warm tracks down his cold-flushed cheeks.

“You don’t get to say that to me,” Jared grits out, a sob stuttering in his chest as he finally looks up, meets Jensen’s eyes with a resentful, pleading glare. “That’s not fair, Jen. That’s _n-not_ fair--”

“Jared, we’ve been together since we were _sixteen_. We’ve been friends since we were nine. How am I supposed to just give you up? Just let you go and not have you in my life anymore? I’ve never been apart from you this long. I can’t even remember my life before I knew you.” Two more steps and Jensen’s there again, so close, and Jared can’t help but close his eyes to it, to the tears in Jensen’s and the heartbreak on his beautiful face.

Jensen has always been the most beautiful thing Jared has ever seen.

“You’ve got a new life now. You… you finally got away from all my bullshit. You finally have a chance to actually be happy, Jen. Just… you’re just afraid because it’s all new. That’s all. It’s just change. You’ll get used to it. You just have to give it time--”

“There will never be a day in my life that I’ll be happy without you in it,” Jensen says, suddenly so close, close enough to smell, to feel the warmth from, and Jared keeps his eyes closed when Jensen’s forehead presses against his own, their noses bumping.

Jared’s entire body quakes, his chin trembling hard as he grits his teeth and digs his forehead hard against Jensen’s, hands coming out of his pockets completely without his consent to wrap his fingers around Jensen’s sweater and twist, pull.

“I never wanted to hurt you,” he whispers, the smell of salt and whiskey mingling between them as their mouths brush, so close. “I’ve tried so hard to get better because I j-just never… I never wanted to hurt you. Not you.”

“I shouldn’t have given up on us. On you. That’s… that was a mistake. And I’ll spend every day for the rest of my life trying to fix it, if that’s what it takes,” Jensen says, setting Penny down when she starts to wriggle between the traps of their chests, but it doesn’t break the spell between them, the painful intensity.

“But… this is your life now, babe. This place, your new friends. You’ve actually got something that you can be proud of. Don’t let me ruin that for you. I’m tired of ruining things for you.” He pulls Jensen closer despite his words, wrapping an arm around him as their chests press flush together, their hips, his own body heat seeping into Jensen’s to warm him up.

“I would give anything to be back in our shitty little apartment with the three locks and the couch we’ve had since college and your collection of toothbrushes--”

“I just can’t stand the thought of throwing them away,” Jared cuts in, grinning against Jensen’s mouth when he laughs.

“Our life, Jay,” Jensen says with a sigh, a sound that comes from deep down. “It was our life. We earned that. We built it. I fucked up. I thought I would be better without you. Without… without _us_ , but I’m not myself without you. I’m who I am because of you.”

“But…” Jared protests weakly, his heart pounding against Jensen’s chest, “what about your new place? All that furniture?”

“I’m subletting it from a friend of Jason’s. He’ll be back after New Year’s,” Jensen shrugs, his hand slipping into the pocket of Jared’s jacket to warm up. Jared laughs in surprise, giving a shake of his head that rubs their noses together as Jensen grins, pushing up higher on his toes to get their mouths even. “So what do you say? Can I come home?”

“It’s a mess,” Jared warns, leaning in to nip at Jensen’s mouth, tongue teasing at his bottom lip as he runs his hands around Jensen’s waist and down to his ass, gripping slow and thorough. “My cleaning lady’s on vacation.”

“Your cleaning lady is also wondering if you put the tree up yet,” Jensen says, arching into Jared’s hands while Penny paces impatiently around their legs, tangling them in her leash. Jared’s pause makes Jensen gasp, the hand holding the leash landing in a playful smack on Jared’s chest.

“Jared Tristan! You haven’t put up the tree?!”

“I just… I wasn’t… I’m not really--” Jared tries, feeling a little guilty but mostly just blindingly happy, his face hurting from grinning as Jensen untangles from Jared’s wandering hands and Penny’s leash.

“Okay, that’s it. C’mon. Tree’s goin’ up tonight.” Jensen laces his hand with Jared’s and tugs him down the street, back toward home.

Jared doesn’t argue, doesn’t say another word, just brings Jensen’s cold hand up to his lips to press a kiss there, closing his eyes for the briefest minute to breathe in the warm smell of his skin, reminding himself that this is real, that it’s really happening.

Jensen’s coming home.


End file.
